Friday, 8 February 2008

Close But No Mascarra

It was our Regional Council yesterday.
As I blogged earlier I was up for election to a Assistant Convenor post. Despite my typical attempts to appear calm, relaxed and even a little diffident, I was a bag of nerves. I really wanted the role. Not only do I feel I could do a really good job, but it would feel like a really big boost for my acceptance as a woman. I'm sure if I really think about it, I am accepted, its just my usual neurosies and lack of confidence how I present myself. I have mentioned before how I often feel a sort of illegitimacy. Anyway I just lost out in the election by 400 votes out of a possible 65,000. I guess thats less than 1%. I felt disappointed but ok about it. However after the meeting before the afternoon session I found myself hunched in the ladies loo tears rolling down my face, getting more and more frustrated with myself. I'm not even 100% sure what was wrong with me. Some of it may have been pathetic crocodile tears for losing. Some of it was because loads of people had been really nice comming up to me and being supportivee (I do struggle to cope with compliments). Some of it was definately my own issues of identity. I have been refered to as he twice in the last couple of days and even got called Geoff again. I have really got to find a better way of dealing with this. I have been full time Jenny for nearly 3 years and noone intends to call me he. However the programming of the brain is a difficult thing to overcome. It is clear to me that although everyone tries really hard, deep deep down in their minds, the neurons are saying Jenny is male. It is this fact that I have to come to terms with. Ironically, if someone deliberately refers to me in the wrong gender it doesnt really bother me so much. I can rationalise that these are just close minded bigots. Anyway I tried in vain to fix my rapidly disintergrating makeup. My mascarra had combined with tears to create zebra like stripes. I managed to make some running repairs and returned to the hall. I saw a couple of the Unsion regional officers and I had a good whinge to Pete and Opinder about my travials. They were both great, listening to my outpourings. I felt loads better after that, and pulled myself together for the afternoon session. Being such a gibbering idiot I had not had anything to eat all day. By the time we had driven home at 6pm I felt really wobbly and light headed so against my better beleifs I sought remedy with an emergency McDonalds. Seemed to do the trick, and a good natter with Vicky on the phone where we exchanged our neurosies, reminded me to get things in perspective.
...I have decided to stand again for the post again in April at the AGM

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