Friday, 1 February 2008

Becoming Jen (Part 1)


When did it all start ?

Well if some experts are to be believed then it probably started in the worm about the time my chromosones were pairing off, but sadly my memories don't stretch back that far

My earliest memories of feeling that something was wrong, were aged about 9 or 10. I remember thinking that somehow I didnt fit in, but I didn't know how or why. It would be wrong to say that back then I knew I should be a girl, things were never that simple. If somebody had just explained, that a mistake had been made and I was a girl not a boy, it would have been a relief. Any 9 year old struggles to understhe growing up, but when you are gender confused and dont know it, the whole maturing process is just about impossible!

I have no idea where the spark first came from. I recall being alone in the house for some reason. My parents would not have beed far away, perhaps round a neighbbours. What I do remember is I had this overwhelming curiosity to feel what it was like to wear female clothes. I decided I had to take advantage of the opportunity. I recall a mixture of excitement and fear as I opened my mum,s wardrobe. I was faced with this array of colours and fabrics. There were garments I recognised that mum had worn, and others that I had never seen. I can remember vividly the outfit i picked. It was a long black evening dress. It looked so exotic and stylish. Reflecting now, I could imagine Margot from "The Good Life" wearing such a dress. I struggled into the outfit. I had no idea how it went on, but after a few attempts, at back to front or putting my head through the sleeve I managed to get it right. As I pulled the dress down I remember an extraordinary feeling of elation, something I had never experienced before. I looked in the mirror and thought wow. Somehow this made some sense and it felt right, even though I knew it was wrong. The feelings of excitment soon grew too much however, so after briefest of moments, I'd had enough. I got changed back as fast as my fumbling fingers could manage. My racing heartbeat slowly decreasing as I put everything back, hoping I had remembered where they all went. Those first snatched moments were a pivitol point in my life, but aged 10 I had no idea. I guess everything in my new life can be traced back to that afternoon. However if it hadn't happened then it would have eventually. I do think now that there has always been a degree of inevitability about where Ive ended up. I have to say that looking back, I still feel shame about my dressing this behind my parents' backs. However, I am not sure I was ever able to avoid what I did.


Alicia said...

nice blog!

I came across with it by chance, and I read all!!!

We are always against the world...

Greeting from Spain!

Alicia said...

I hope you didnt mind I read your blog...

I had to find where was Staffordshire, sorry I´m very bad in geography.Maybe next year I will go to the university of Leeds to study there!


Jenny Harvey said...

Thanks Alicia. Of course Im delighted that you have read my blog. Dont worry about your geography, most peaple in UK dont know where Stoke-on-Trent is.