Thursday, 3 April 2008

Birmingham Reflecting

I've had the pleasure of a trip down to Birmingham today for a meeting at Unison's regional office. The meeting went well, and mid afternoon i was battling my way back up the motorway. As usual the slower the traffic went the more my mind wandered. I've been a bit of a pain to be around the last week or so (only a week! cries everyone else). I'm not sure how much to attribute to the change in my hormone prescription and how much is just because I can be a miserable introspective, self absorbed (please but in at some point!), neurotic, whinging twonk (and that's on a better day!). To summarise I've just been struggling a bit. Anyhow I need to snap myself out of it. What I could really have done with is a spell in The Total Perspective Vortex (see Douglas Adam's "Life The Universe and Everything") to put me straight about my position in the cosmos. But, as this is a fictional machine dreamt up by a sadly now deceased author I don't think it will happen. Plus, it was probably ruined by Zaphod's ego (This all makes no sense at all if you haven't read the book)

Lacking this technology to sort my head out, I turned to my reliable mood lifter in a mixed CD i entitled "Bouncy" full of some of my happiest and cheesiest tunes. I set about mentally listing the things that were currently bothering me, then dispatching them 1 by 1 with some targeted logic.
1) I am going to be a regional delegate to our National Health Conference in Manchester. This will mean I have to stand up in front of 1,500 delegates to speak for 5 minutes. Now as a Trans Woman this is not the ideal way to blend in not be noticed. I would be nervous enough speaking for the first time at conference, but the thought of trying to get my message across while trying desperately to sound feminine fills me with another level of dread...Right Jen i thunk to myself. It is my responsibility and duty to do this. I will just have to bite the bullet. There is no point trying to hide, so I need to do a good job with the speech, and when the time comes hold my head up, and take my time and not waffle (will be a first!). Anyway if it starts to go badly I will just have to finish with a song!
2) My bloody house. I really need to get to grips with it. Caroline is coming over next week to start sorting the house out to get it on the market. We need to sell up to settle the divorce. With my feeling so down I tend to bury my head in the bedclothes rather than get on. I will also have to look into finding somewhere to rent... Right Jen I thunk again. I am sure I will be happier if I can settle down in my own flat. The house won't get sold by staring at my pillow. The physical effort of clearing it out will be good for me, and it will be nice to see Caz again, so its time to get moving.
3) That He/She thing. Ive probably gone on about this too much already, but when I'm referred to as he or him it's the one thing guaranteed to get me down in an instant. The fact that people don't generally mean it or even know that they have done it makes it worse for me. It just shows how difficult it will be for me to gain the deep seated acceptance I need....Right Jen. There is nothing to be gained from bemoaning the situation or blaming my height weight or voice. I need to change the things I can and accept those I can't. I really need to concentrate better on how I present myself to the world.

Anyway by the time I'd mulled over these 3 pressing issues I realised none of them would need resolving if I didn't concentrate on my driving, and ended up ploughing into the nearest, biggest lorry. Still 3 problems down, only about 30 to go!


Billy Whizz said...

Surely the effect of the Total Perspective Vortex would depend on what tpye of cake was used as I suspect that if it was chocolate the Vortex wouldn't work for long.

Jenny Harvey said...

Good Point.
The problem is that any cake that is not chocolate is just a wasted opportunity