Becoming Jen (Part 2)

Anyone for Tennis ?

Q. What do you do if you are a teenager, and confused by your gender?
A. In my case, keep your head down, dress in secret, never let anyone find out, and hence become ever so slightly screwed up!

Growing up with such confusions was fraught to say the least. There was no Internet back then, so I always felt alone and freakish. I never realised that anyone else felt like me. Every waking moment was filled with thoughts and dreams of dressing and living as a girl, but I knew that would never happen (If only I could have seen the future). I used to have this vivid, reoccurring dream where I was walking down the high street dressed in a red skirt and noone took any notice. It was so frustrating that I thought this was impossible.
I managed my compulsion to cross dress by snatching any moment the house was deserted. I was in a perpetual state of worry, that my dark secret would come out. I used to retrace my steps in my head, over and over again, terrified that my mum would find something out of place. This state of affairs continued thoughout my teenage years.
Mind you, I also learned to improvise. I remember on Blue Peter once, they made a miniskirt and legwarmers from an old T-shirt (This was the 80's after all), mine was powder blue . Think I'm bit old for the Fame look now!
When I was about 16 I decided I needed to buy some girls clothes of my own. I could say that it was due to the guilt of steeling mum's, but it was probably due to me wanting styles to suit my age. My shop of choice was the sadly missed C&A store in Hanley. I remember walking up and down and up and down the aisles, trying to pluck up courage to buy something. In the end I settled for a white cotton minidress with pastel stripes across the bust. learned later that it was actually tennis dress. I tried to look cool and nonchalant as I approached the till and mumbled something about the dress being for a girlfriend. All the time I felt like there was a big sign saying "Freak" above my head. I hated this feeling and so wanted to be normal. I managed to leave the shop, stifling the urge to run. I was sure a siren would go off, or some man in a uniform would put a hand on my shoulder saying "Where do you think your going sonny". None of this happened. I had got out alive! I had done it! My heart was racing, it was such a buzz. I headed to the nearest public toilet to try the dress on in a cubicle. The buzz didn't last long sadly. Pretty quickly I started to feel those pangs of worry and guilt again that always grew to overwhelm me. I am sure these highs and lows are so not much different in function than those felt by drug users.

.......That dress never did fit!
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Election Fever

or Not so Super Thursday!
I'm suffering from my own personal election fever.
Tomorrow I am up for election to be an Assistant Regional Convenor at our Regional Council in Birmingham. I wont bore you with all the intricate details of Unison's constitution (probably because I would struggle to recall). What it does mean is that I will have to stand up in a chamber full of hardened Unison delegates and give an adress. Now I'm very good sitting at the back, trying to be witty and insightful, but it is about time (40 years old in 2 weeks!) that I "take the bull by the horns", "put my money where my mouth is", "stand up and be counted", "get jiggy with it" (not sure about this last one). Anyway I am up against a lady called Sue who Ive known for a few years. She is really nice and would not doubt do a great job. We have asked to job share, but if we can't its me and her handbags at 2 paces! Well not quite, but there will be over 100,000 votes going one way or the other. My branch has 2,500, so I will at least get that many!
I am a bit nervous about tomorrow, but I'm "in for a penny in for a pound" (I'm off again) so we will see.

On a far more important note
Yay tonight is quiz night. Debs is doing the quiz, so I'm expecting loads of questions on soaps, serial killers, Australia and greasy Manc pop singers! We also have an honary "Blonde" tonight in Cathy a work colleague of Vicky. We need all the help we can to wipe last weeks debacle from our minds.

Words..don't come easy to me

I clearly have a tendancy to use pretentious words in an attempt to appear errudite (there you go). I evidence the totally unessesary and possibly innappropriate use of cathartic and idiosyncratic (hope the spellchecker is fixed soon). This is not what 40 years of living in Stoke should have produced. I intend at some point in the future, to include the words zeitgeist, schadenfreude and floopy (see Douglas Adams) in a vain attept to appeal to the Southern based Literati.

If you know of any other useful words that will endear me to the chattering classes (I wish there had been chattering classes at school, I'm sure it would have been more fun than physics) please let me know, because I feel I may have run out.
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Transwottsit ???

What is this Transgender thingy you talk about?
Since I became Jen, I have occasionally refered to myself as Transgendered I am often asked what that actually means.
Transgendered to me, is an Umbrella Term (I am now thinking about an umbrella themed joke...I am so easily distracted) to include anyone who feels at odds with their biological birth gender. This can include anyone who identifies as Travsvestite, Transsexual, Cross Dresser and more. If I was to be pushed, I suppose I am a transsexual, but I do now prefer just Woman. I, of course steadfastly refuse to be pigeonholed, but sometimes labels can be useful.
To me Transgendered defines a spectrum, with Tentative Transvestites at one end to Total Transsexuals at the other. My view of my place on that spectrum has definately moved over time.

LipGlossary of Terms

• Transvestite - Someone who gains pleasure or comfort from dressing and presenting in the opposite gender from which they live
• Transsexual - Someone who lives as and identifies themselves as their a gender different to that at birth. Pre-op and post-op are sometimes used, but I prefer not to refer to the state of peoples bits!
• Gender Dysphoria - Medical diagnosis term. Means gender unhappiness (from the Greek I think). I guess now I am happy being a woman I now have Gender Euphoria.
• Transition - The process and period of change to living in a new gender.
• Cross Dresser - Similar to transvestite. also when I have snagged my tights twice when getting ready

Terms used in the Transgender Community

• En Femme - Dressed in female clothes
• In Drab - Stuck in male clothes
• T-Girl - short hand for Transgendered
• To Pass - Go out and about without being spotted as Transgendered
• To be Read - If you fail the above endevour.
• Transit van - Easier to get changed inside, than the back seat of a car.

For anyone working in the NHS

• Agenda for Change - New pay and conditions framework, that I clearly took too far!!
• I did promise Vicky that I would never ever use this pathetic joke again!!

My Brother "Mostly Harmless"

What can I say about the force of nature that is my brother Richard (or Billy if you live you live within drinking distance of Hastings). As kids we had a proper love / hate / indiference relationship!
Dont think I was the best older brother in the world. Being bigger by 2 years and half a foot, I seemed to think it would be a great idea to have a fight if our parents ever went out. Looking back I feel quite bad about this, mind you he did become proficient in throwing things at me, which must have helped his amateur cricket career. Saying all that I do have good memories of adventures with our band of cuddly toys (one of which was a glove puppet I worryingly called Archemedies), which we named The Friends. That may sound quite cute, but I do also remember us torturing action man dolls with lighter fluid! The most amazing thing about Titch was that he has ever managed to grow up at all, as he connstantly found different ways to mangle his body (a prowess he continues to this day, in his sporting endevours). These ranged from testing the tensile strength* of a breeze block with his leg, to a grusesome encounter between his finger and the workings of a canal lock. There was an upside to his frequent trips to the hospital. I was always packed off to neighbours with a packet of chocolate fingers, while my parents sorted him out.
Titch and I did not have much contact in the University and following years. Save for his spectacular, and laterly drunken performance as best man at my wedding (more on that to follow).
However from the moment I phoned him to tell him I was becomming Jenny he has been far more supportive than I deserve. He dealt with the news in his usual pragmatic and idiosyncratic manner. He mused for a few minutes and declared "At last you are interesting!". I will never forget that sweltering bank holiday weekend in Hastings, when he introduced his Brister (his coined term for a trangendered sibling) to his wonderful partner Vicki and loyal group of friends. They all made me feel so accepted.

Bluffers Guide to Richard/Billy/Titch

• He is Stoke's unofficial globetrotting ambassador


• Is an Evangelical, Fundamentalist Athiest**


• Can Juggle, Diablo, unicycle, and skydive


• Occasionally gets drunk (Is daily occasional?)


• Loves Hong Kong


• Once caused a power cut at Donnington Monsters of Rock.


• We share a genetic throat scratching ability


• Has apparently invented a Technical gizmo thingy


• Is selectively Welsh


• Loves H2G2


• Once Appeared on Stars In Your Eyes as Chas (From ...& Dave fame)


• One of these facts may not be true

The final important point about Richard is, that although our family aren't great at saying theses things. I do love him and I'm very proud he is my brother

* He informs me that it is more correctly Compressive Strength. I think Tensile reads better!

**He wishes to be known as a Radical Athiest. Again my version reads better, so who am I to let facts get in the way.

Saturdays

Things that are great about this Saturday:
Fighting Talk on Radio 5 Live
6 Nations Rugby starts
Its sunny
I'm on a slimming world Red Day, so its meat all the way!
Will see my friends.
Someone has actually read my post.

Things that are not great:
Headache from chatting on line till 3 am
It looks cold out
Stoke City will no doubt have a disappointing draw.
Looking in the mirror I yet again have failed to become gorgeous overnight

Blogging - Self Indulgent Nonsense ? Discuss

I have been Blogging for just 2 days. I have become acutely aware that my Blog may well be pretentious and self serving. Indeed this post is clearly an example of that. Why I am convinced that anyone would be interested in my opinions, god only knows. I may have even refered to myself as a Blogger! After 2 Days!! Still it is good fun, and in a small way cathartic so I'm afraid I will continue...And what is this odd writing style where I appear to be addressing some imagined reader, when in all probability I am just talking to myself in my bedroom.

Becoming Jen (Part 1)

Jenny-sis

When did it all start ?

Well if some experts are to be believed then it probably started in the worm about the time my chromosones were pairing off, but sadly my memories don't stretch back that far

My earliest memories of feeling that something was wrong, were aged about 9 or 10. I remember thinking that somehow I didnt fit in, but I didn't know how or why. It would be wrong to say that back then I knew I should be a girl, things were never that simple. If somebody had just explained, that a mistake had been made and I was a girl not a boy, it would have been a relief. Any 9 year old struggles to understhe growing up, but when you are gender confused and dont know it, the whole maturing process is just about impossible!

I have no idea where the spark first came from. I recall being alone in the house for some reason. My parents would not have beed far away, perhaps round a neighbbours. What I do remember is I had this overwhelming curiosity to feel what it was like to wear female clothes. I decided I had to take advantage of the opportunity. I recall a mixture of excitement and fear as I opened my mum,s wardrobe. I was faced with this array of colours and fabrics. There were garments I recognised that mum had worn, and others that I had never seen. I can remember vividly the outfit i picked. It was a long black evening dress. It looked so exotic and stylish. Reflecting now, I could imagine Margot from "The Good Life" wearing such a dress. I struggled into the outfit. I had no idea how it went on, but after a few attempts, at back to front or putting my head through the sleeve I managed to get it right. As I pulled the dress down I remember an extraordinary feeling of elation, something I had never experienced before. I looked in the mirror and thought wow. Somehow this made some sense and it felt right, even though I knew it was wrong. The feelings of excitment soon grew too much however, so after briefest of moments, I'd had enough. I got changed back as fast as my fumbling fingers could manage. My racing heartbeat slowly decreasing as I put everything back, hoping I had remembered where they all went. Those first snatched moments were a pivitol point in my life, but aged 10 I had no idea. I guess everything in my new life can be traced back to that afternoon. However if it hadn't happened then it would have eventually. I do think now that there has always been a degree of inevitability about where Ive ended up. I have to say that looking back, I still feel shame about my dressing this behind my parents' backs. However, I am not sure I was ever able to avoid what I did.

Work and All That

Think I better explain what I do. I work for the 3rd largest employer in the world, the NHS ( I gather that the Chinese Army and Indian railroad are bigger (This may not be true!)). My role is a Branch Secretary for Britain's greatest Trade Union, UNISON.

For me this is the best job in the world (until eating chocolate while watching Heroes on the Telly becomes a legitimate career). As a transgendered woman, I am very lucky, beacause I'm working in 2 of the most liberal and inclusive organisations in the world.

The biggest irony is that a Branch Secretary is an organising role, and I am the most disorganised person I know ( and thats even includes my best friend Vicky), but either by luck or lack of other peoples judgement I seem to get away with it. Its a common thread through my life that I feel somehow illegitiment and will be found out soon. Anyway, I do have to be elected every year and I face the annual torment of our AGM on Feb 19th.

Quiz Night (1) For Whom the Bells Almost Toll

Last night was our weekly quiz night. Our team is the "3 non Blondes" consisting of Vicky, Debbie and myself. We are totaly and inappropriately competetive. Our mighty opposition are "The Muppets", "The Campanologists" and our deadly rivals "Sixth Sense". We had managed to win the last 2 weeks in a row until last night. Shorn of our own Jeremy Clarkson, in the shape of Vicky, who selfishly thought doing her shift at work was more important than the quiz, we finished a distant 3rd. I think "2 Dumb Blondes" would have been a better epithet. The quiz was won by the formidable Sixth Sense with Campanologists a gnats whisker behind (Do gnats have whiskers?, I'm glad that wasn't one of the questions!! (By the way I do overuse exclaimation marks and parenthethies)). Our problem was too many questions on Literature and Art, and not enough on Telly and Pop Music.
The Tally so far for 2008
Sixth Sense 2 wins
3 non Blondes 2 wins
Campanologists 0 wims
Mupets 0 wins

Vicky, Debs & Me - The 3 non Blondes

Why vs The World

Vicky has told me that my blog title is dead corny, but I'm stuck with it and anyway the world always nereds corn.
Well I'm 40 next week...Thinking about things, my relationship with the world has always been strained. I have always felt the world was a blue suit and I'm brown shoes. Soo now its time for me to confront my opponent head on. Its a catchweight bout over 12 rounds, or however many years I have left. I promise to fight fair, well most of the time and I'm determined not to throw in the towell, because I guess there is no chance of a rematch (unless Buddhism has been right all along)...So seconds out ....Round 1

Hello world

Hello Boys! Pose inspired by Vicky!

Well this is my first attempt at a blog. I have great ambitions that my blog is going to be full of gravitas and insight into the human condition, but in all honesty it will probably be just random ramblings from my ever more confused mind! It will no doubt contain some Bridget Jones like references to my weight, some whinging about the way the world deals with with a Trangendered woman like myself, the odd remark about my daily adventures with my friends, moans over the state of the planet, some therories on quantum physics (I did nearly complete a year at uni!), frustrations of a Stoke City FC Supporter, and possibly the odd recipe idea (though probably just reviews of Take Away meals). I cant guarantee any of it will make much sense, but if you cant laugh with me then just laugh at me!!