The Bourne' Ability (you fed up with this theme yet?)

Hola from B'mouth. Well today was the first day of the Local Government Conference. It was very similar to our Healthcare conference but just a tad more shouty. I have by now pretty seamlessly slid into conference mode. There are certain developed abilities that I have gained from years of conferencing that now come into their own.

1) The 30 yard stare. This is necessary to run the gauntlet at the entrance to the conference. There is always a phalanx of various, and normally socialist pressure groups, trying to get you to sign a petition, attend a fringe meeting or just buy a copy of Socialist Worker. The thing is if you stopped for everyone and picked up all their flyers, newspapers etc, not only would you be late, but you would have to carry a bushels worth of paper (Don't really know how big a bushel is but I'm hoping its a lot). I do admire the determination and passion of these activists. I swear if I got to the conference at 5am in the rain they would be standing there waiting to pounce.

2) Buns of Steel. Conference seating is by far the most uncomfortable on the known planet. Diogenes, the Greek philosopher reputedly lived in a barrel. As uncomfortable as that would have been I still would bet against him lasting a whole conference day in those seats. Funnily enough after a day in cramped seats with no leg room I am left with a Dodgy Knee! (My god that's a poor joke, even by this blog's "Standards"). Years of these conferences have pretty much destroyed all of my nerve ending in the cheekular area, meaning I can now sit for hours in numbness.

3) The Automatic Applause Reflex. As if on autopilot after only a few motions debated my hands automatically clap every speaker. It is not uncommon for me to end up applauding both sides of a debate, without realising it. This is essentially a bit stupid! i sometimes think that if I am not concentrating I would applaud almost anything. For instance, Motion 1 - Conference calls for the shooting of puppies, and the abolition of cake could find me applauding while 3,000 people stare at me! Mind you I think this lack of concentration and attention must have been how Bush was elected.

4) Conferencespeak Fluency. I can now use words like Motions, Composites, Standing Orders, Ammendments; Abreviations like SCG, NEC, SOG, SOC, (If you are on the SOC and the NEC, are you a SCONE?) and phrases like "What branch are you from" and "What you doing for lunch?" with hardly a pause for irony. I have now started prefacing every statment with "I'm Jenny Harvey from North Staff Community Health Branch", which is embarrasing when ordering chips! I can now also decipher a 3000 word motion that probably just means in effect "Conference believes cake is good", or something. I can even understand the odd Rule Change (and we do have some odd rules).

5) Freebie Detection. I can after years of attending the exhibition stands now spot a good freebie stand at 40 paces, even when its surrounded by inferior kind. I can also now manage repeat visits to said good freebie stand without appearing to be a scrounger. Best freebie ever: huge colour changing mugs at an HR in the NHS Conference.