Cake or Death....or Salad

I passed a milestone in my battle to shift enough weight to have that  certain particular operation, without flirting with premature death.

The milestone passed, is the six stone mark so I am now over 80lbs less fat than when I began a year and a bit ago, and its just about my half way mark. I would have made a good deal more had I stuck with my diet club after last Christmas instead of arrogantly thinking I could go it alone, armed only with a vague plan to cut out Carbs and a moderately priced et of bathroom scales.

The sum result of solo dieting was that in 8 months of going solo I managed to put on 4 lbs. Well now I’m back on my slimming club wagon and I’m now losing steadily. I'm not sure what it is that works for me, but I guess its the discipline of being weighed in front of a bunch of strangers.

The club I attend is Slimming World, and our session is run by a lovely, enthusiastic and supportive lady, about as far from Marorie Dawes as you could get. It has a diet based on choosing a Red Day or Green Day. On Red Days eat proteins and minimise carbohydrates. The Green Day is about eating loads of pasta, rice and beans, while listening to a sub punk  American rock band. As a good solid Trade Unionist, "This week I shall be mostly eating Red Days."

My Seven Step Guide to diet clubbing.

1. Pre joining routine. Bulk up before your first visit. These extra gained pounds are effectively free and just mean you can lose more on your second visit. Good foods for this are cake, cheese, cheesecake and cakecheese!
2. First weigh in. Maximise your initial start weight (see above). Heavy jeans, layered knitted tops and heavy chunky bling jewellery is a must. Vital extra mass can be gained by filling your pockets with change and perhaps standing out in a rainstorm for that heavy wet clothes bonus.
3. Second week weigh in. You obviously want to get off to the best start possible so you are looking to reverse step one. Good food for first week weight loss is Toothpaste, and celery (not together)> Apparently celery uses up more calories in chewing than is gained from consuming.
4. Following weeks. After your hopefully initial good start you are bound to suffer the odd difficult, cake filled week. Therefore it is important to do the opposite of stage 2. Light clothing is a must so even in the depths of winter, flimsy short skirts and strappy tops work well. Under no circumstances bother with tights. Depending how liberal your community is consider partial nudity. Removing nail varnish also loses vital micrograms.
5. Getting tougher. If you find stage 4 unfruitful move on to Defcon 5. Consider every aspect of your body for excess baggage. A good short hair cut, full body wax, clean under nails and remove all belly button fluff or earwax. Teeth removal may be a little excessive but it will help curb that appetite.
6. Desperation. Stage 6 is very complicated, largely impossible and involves a learning a form of levitation and manipulating Newton's  2nd law of motion while weighing yourself in a moving elevator
7. Doomed  If you are still not losing weight I have heard of people who claim to live on sunlight. It does need noting, that these people are usually completely mad or completely dead.