A Deeper Shade of the Blues

One of the 5 points to this blog is to coaless my thoughts, with a view to a better level of self awareness (or disappearing up my own backside, you decide!). There is one thing that still plays on my mind, and at times gets me down, even 4 years post transition, and that is whether I will ever truly, really, deeply perceived and understood to be a woman. Of course, everybody tries to say the right thing, and most of the time they succeed, but the very fact they have to try shows that they struggle with the concept of a changed gender. When this is coupled with visual and audible cues that give those telltale indications that I was once male, then it is understandable.

I remember an episode with one of my psychiatrists (and I've have had a few in this process). Now he is a wonderful man, really supportive and with a deep knowledge of Gender Disphoria. Well, I had seen him a couple of times and in one session I related a story of being in my GPs waiting room when they flashed my old name up when my turn had come, and this had upset me. Now, I had met my psychiatrist well before my change, through the odd work meeting. From that momentary reminder of my old name, he has twice used it by mistake in consultations. He was very, very, apologetic when I pointed it out, but it just shows how once the synapses in your mind have made a connection that someone is a particular gender then it is really hard to shift those connections. Even I have struggled to call my cat she once I realised I'd been calling her, he by mistake (or is it; he, her by mistake? see it's tricky!).  This ability to override the mind's gender perception is no measure of intelligence, nor is it possible to predict who will cope best. It's just one of those things.

It's not just use of language that friends, colleagues and acquaintances have to overcome. Body language and social niceties are small hurdles to. For instance long standing male colleagues always pause before holding a door open and then accompany it with a nervous half laughed remark. I too have struggle to ignore 30+ years of male conditioning. If another woman and myself enter a building, I still have an inner urge to defer to my companion, and hold the door open for her. Now, of course this is only me being polite, but it is also due to those synapses that have been trained that I should hold a door for a woman. Admitting this may leave me open to the criticism, that I do not truly feel a woman inside, but I counter that I have undergone half  a lifetime of masculine brainwashing. I do still want to hold doors open for people, but as an equal not through an innate outdated gender orthodoxy ( my gawd, that sounds pretentious even by the standards of this blog!! but I hope you know what I'm getting at).

Another social nicety that becomes a hurdle in my mind is the affectionate kiss goodbye or hello from a male colleague. I know that some male colleagues who knew me before I modernised my gender, struggle with this aspect, although they may not admit it. They will quite happily peck goodbye on the cheek to the other women in any social situation, but you can see the hesitation (almost fear) in their eyes when it comes to me. After all, for some heterosexual males, the conflict that my appearance gives, against their historical knowledge of me is challenging. I stress some, because I by no means wish to over generalise. It has got to the stage that sometimes when leaving such situations, I will manoeuvre myself nearer the door to leave first, so not as to put anyone in the situation where after kissing goodbye to other women, they are faced with the decision to either treat me differently or do something they feel uncomfortable with.

So what level of improved self awareness am I left with. Well not much really, but reading back, it could be levelled at me, that some of these issues are more in my mind than in other people's. That the whole thing is almost self fulfilling, and that my own social awkwardness is the real obstacle.

Or... Do I just have to find an inner peace in the acceptance that although I may never be as fully and deeply perceived and understood as I wish, I am still lucky to have had the opportunity to become a woman, to be a woman and in all important matters, to be treated as a woman. If I had been born at another time, or in another place, this is a gift, I may never have had.

On that note, in the words of the barely missed Steps : "Into each life some rain must fall, I didn't know I would catch it all".... or something.

POST SCRIPT

Just to demonstrate how difficult it is for some people to turn around the supertanker that is their mind.

I've just been trying to arrange an appointment with an optician to fix my wonky eye. I ended up talking to a call centre. Naturally, hearing my voice he referred to me as mister. I gave him my name, and corrected him that it was actually Miss. He initially then called me Miss, then in the next breath Sir and by the end of the conversation to my exasperated laugher on the other end of the line, said "Thank you Mr Harvey".

 

pic thanks to