Things I Never Learnt At School

Round at Vicky’s the other day, a minor but painful injury got me thinking how ill prepared I still am, for this life I've chosen.

Whilst playing with her half Crocodile, half Tasmanian devil, half Tigger, in dog form, Spartacus ( I guess that makes him a dog and a half!). This Hound of the Disaster-Villes managed to jump up and kick me in a very specific place. Now suffice to say that my cry explained it all. “Ouucchh my bloody bollocks!!” Now it is some years since I have had to refer to these particular unfortunate parts of my anatomy, but I don’t have any other term that would have done justice to the moment of anguish. Thankfully, only Vicky was present but if this had happened in public I imagine it would have been the quickest most sure fire way to out myself.

There is nothing in life that can prepare you for such an incident. I struggle to think of which lesson in schooling would deal with correct term to use for post transition canine inflicted testicular trauma. Mind you it would still be more use than leaning logarithms. I have also attended a few first aid and CPR training sessions with n'er a hint of dog/gonad related advice. The truth is, when you transition you are on your own. The NHS is there of course, but it's mainly concerned with the finer points of hormones and surgery. The practicalities of surviving transition are mainly down to trial and much error. There is no book of etiquette to avoid embarrassment, no Sat Nav for the journey ahead, no Haynes Manual to help with the repairs. There really must be a market out there for a Transitioning for Dummies book. Now of course this old world wide internet thingy is chock full of mainly conflicting advice and opinion. There is also the odd support group dotted around the nation (some odder than usual), but for many of us, transitioning is a complete leap into the dark. Ironically it’s often the light rather than the dark that is the problem, particularly when you are starting off with dodgy makeup. Oh for the joy of transition in an arctic winter of near permanent darkness. Well, I'm 4 years PT (Post Transition) right now and still trial-ing and error-ing and I think still learning

Lessons learnt since Transition

1. There is no appropriate female alternative "ouch my bloody bollocks".
2. Talking loudly to your friend in the next toilet cubicle is unadvisable when you have not practiced your speech therapy drills.
3. Speech therapists are geniuses but not miracle workers.
4. Never carry a tub of low fat cottage cheese in your handbag for obviousmessy reasons.
5. Likewise never carry a bottle of perfume with a loose stopper in your bag for nice smelling but ultimately expensive reasons.
6. Tights are rubbish!
7. Size 10 is a stupid size for a foot.
8. The sexiness of of a pair of heels is directly proportionate to their un-wear-ability.
9. Colour coordination is a triumph of luck over judgement.
10. Black is only really slimming if worn in the dark
11. The largest rodent in the world is the Capybara.
12. A NHS that puts you on a Cervical Screening target list while still deciding whether to fund Gender Reassignment Surgery is clearly mad.
13. The faster you want NHS treatment, the longer it takes.
14. The most terrifying term in the English language is Genital Electrolysis
15. You can excuse all manner of moody behaviour on hormone therapy.
16. For every hormone induced inch gained on the bust, 2 go south to the belly.
17. Becoming a woman does not cure an inherent un-domesticity.
18. The Capybara comes from South America
19. Hair styled perfectly in the morning lasts only as far as the front doorstep
20. The Capybara exhibits coprophagy (it eats it's own poo)
21. Becoming a woman does not cure an inherent geekiness.
22. Quick drying nail varnish is a lie.
23. Liquid Eyeliner is an evil conspiracy concocted by eye surgeons
24. And finally, there are other aspects to life than gender.

All that said and done, the main thing I've learnt since transition is that having that becoming a woman is liberating, satisfying, comforting, exhilerating and just downright fabulous.

....Fat Watch latest......

This weeks strict regime of dieting and swimming has produced an amazing loss of 1 lb, plummeting my weight to 26 stone 6 pounds. This is a loss of 0.27% of my total body weight. I could have done better by removing my nail varnish and shaving my legs!!