Chasing Tails

Ive spent the weekend Dogsitting. Actually to be exact Dog, Rabbit, Guinea pig, Cat and 5 Kitten sitting. To be honest the non canine contingent pretty much look after themselves save for feeding and watering. Spartacus the dog on the other hand is a rapidly growing puppy of indeterminate stock but determined energy. In fact I swear he is growing before my eyes. I have the honour of these duties as my friend is attending The World Street Dancing championships at The Winter Gardens, Blackpool (why is in street dancers never seem to dance in an actual street).

So here I am trying to keep Sparky amused. Despite all my efforts to train him through play, all he seems to want to do is to chase his tail. He does this with such relish he makes a dervish look like a mime. He attacks his tail clearly regarding it as a separate being in itself, that needs hunting to destruction. He tends to spin anticlockwise making me surmise he is a Left Hand drive dog,

As I sit here outside in the fading light my mind is drifting into that, to be avoided at all costs, pass time of soul searching. I usually avoid deep thinking at all costs. This has resulted in a, not very Eco friendly habit of filling every moment of my life with noise. Always armed with telly, radio or mp3 any solitary moment of silence can be filled with distraction thereby averting this sort of self destructive, self pitying, self flagellation. Just like Sparky thoughts whirl around trying to catch each other with an inevitable and ultimate failure. The tail I'm trying to grab is some long term purpose to my life, a reason to get up each morning. At the moment that goal is tantalisingly out of reach. When I was married I had that goal, each and every day. . The marriage was never exactly idyllic, but we had some wonderfully contented years. Yes it's true that living as a man was a compromise, but while the marriage trundled on it was a worthwhile compromise. Now, at last I'm not compromising my life any more, living comfortably as a woman (As comfortable as you can be in tight fitting heels!). However the price to pay is a realisation that I may never have that purpose and meaning that an immediate family of my own would give. Gosh this is desperate self pitying guff, which is sadly typical of my last couple of months. Every time I get like this, I make yet another lunge to grab my tail and pull myself out of the low and get a grip. The grip however is all to fleeting and I'm soon whirling again.

Lets put an end to it for now, "Come Here Spartacus, fetch this metaphor!"