Today I had a trip to Boris’s Kingdom. Two identical Virgin Pendilino Trains, two completely different experiences.
7.53 Stoke to London Euston
This was commuter time writ large. Each carriage heaving with suits, laptops, mobiles and testosterone. I was sat behind a young gun salesman, who conducted a hour long conversation at an extraordinary volume. With that strange strident business speak, full of certainty and confidence and forced metaphor. He behaved as if he was auditioning for The Apprentice. I got more and more engrossed in his half of the conversation. He seemed to be imparting his wealth of experience to a colleague. This colleague had apparently been offered a 75k job and was told in no uncertain words to accept it until something better came along!! I also learned that Mike who covered the Thames Valley sales area, was just treading water and needed to improve sales or he was out, and that the company would be better off without him. Come on Mike get a grip and show him, I thought to myself. If this guy didn’t like Mike, then I decided I should be on Mike’s side. I wouldn't have been surprised if Mike’s enemy had eventually launched into the ABC mantra delivered by Alec Baldwin in the film Glenngary Glen Ross. “Always Be Closing.”
From my impressiopn of him, more appropriate would have been “Aways Be a C***”. I was pleased when the phone call eventually ended and I could get half an hours Power Nap (Oh god I appeared to have learned some business guff by osmosis!)
The train back was a different affair
13.35 London Euston to Stoke-on-Trent
This train was more like the Trans Siberian railroad if half the passengers on that train were on their way to a highland gathering! My coach was full to burst with supporters on their way to Manchester for the Uefa cup final between Rangers and Zenit St Petersberg. As both teams play in the same shade of blue the only way to quickly differentiate was that some of the Russian fans spoke better English!! I ended up sitting amongst an ebullient Russian contingent. I love listening to the strange music of different languages. I listened and watched to see if I could understand the gist of conversations. I failed to grasp anything really. They could just as likely been talking about the price of Vodka as the football. The only words I recognized, was when one of them randomly burst into the Chorus of “Mancunian Way”, a Take That album track. I must admit now they’ve become a man band rather than a boy band I’ve become a latter-day fan of The That!
When one of the older St Petersburgers brushed past me with a “sorry”, I smiled back and tried to engage him in conversation. Unfortunately most fluent English speakers struggle to understand me so these poor souls stood no chance. "Are you excited about tonight" I asked slowly, deliberately but ultimately unhelpfully. I got a shrug back. The international sign of “what the??”. I persisted with my attempts of forging some Stoke/StPetersburg détente. In the end we both settled on the words Uefa, soccer and match and nodded at each other, with smiles that suggested understanding, but really said “this is going nowhere” Still I did feel I had more understanding and more in common with my Russian football supporting friend, than the loudmouth Apprentice apprentice of the morning.
7.53 Stoke to London Euston
This was commuter time writ large. Each carriage heaving with suits, laptops, mobiles and testosterone. I was sat behind a young gun salesman, who conducted a hour long conversation at an extraordinary volume. With that strange strident business speak, full of certainty and confidence and forced metaphor. He behaved as if he was auditioning for The Apprentice. I got more and more engrossed in his half of the conversation. He seemed to be imparting his wealth of experience to a colleague. This colleague had apparently been offered a 75k job and was told in no uncertain words to accept it until something better came along!! I also learned that Mike who covered the Thames Valley sales area, was just treading water and needed to improve sales or he was out, and that the company would be better off without him. Come on Mike get a grip and show him, I thought to myself. If this guy didn’t like Mike, then I decided I should be on Mike’s side. I wouldn't have been surprised if Mike’s enemy had eventually launched into the ABC mantra delivered by Alec Baldwin in the film Glenngary Glen Ross. “Always Be Closing.”
From my impressiopn of him, more appropriate would have been “Aways Be a C***”. I was pleased when the phone call eventually ended and I could get half an hours Power Nap (Oh god I appeared to have learned some business guff by osmosis!)
The train back was a different affair
13.35 London Euston to Stoke-on-Trent
This train was more like the Trans Siberian railroad if half the passengers on that train were on their way to a highland gathering! My coach was full to burst with supporters on their way to Manchester for the Uefa cup final between Rangers and Zenit St Petersberg. As both teams play in the same shade of blue the only way to quickly differentiate was that some of the Russian fans spoke better English!! I ended up sitting amongst an ebullient Russian contingent. I love listening to the strange music of different languages. I listened and watched to see if I could understand the gist of conversations. I failed to grasp anything really. They could just as likely been talking about the price of Vodka as the football. The only words I recognized, was when one of them randomly burst into the Chorus of “Mancunian Way”, a Take That album track. I must admit now they’ve become a man band rather than a boy band I’ve become a latter-day fan of The That!
When one of the older St Petersburgers brushed past me with a “sorry”, I smiled back and tried to engage him in conversation. Unfortunately most fluent English speakers struggle to understand me so these poor souls stood no chance. "Are you excited about tonight" I asked slowly, deliberately but ultimately unhelpfully. I got a shrug back. The international sign of “what the??”. I persisted with my attempts of forging some Stoke/StPetersburg détente. In the end we both settled on the words Uefa, soccer and match and nodded at each other, with smiles that suggested understanding, but really said “this is going nowhere” Still I did feel I had more understanding and more in common with my Russian football supporting friend, than the loudmouth Apprentice apprentice of the morning.
My last attempt at engagement came near the end of my journey as we passed The Brittania Stadium. “Stoke City…Stanley Mathews”, I said and pointed. I even forlornly added “Premier League” My friend to his credit smiled and nodded again, but I think I might have well said “Sausages and Aardvark”. When we hit Stoke station I got up to leave and said grandly “Good luck tonight. I hope you win”. As I turned around I saw rows of Glasgow eyes staring back at me. “Ooops”. I briskly alighted the train.
Must admit if I’d been on a carriage full of supporters of rival English teams, the atmosphere would have been totally different.
Must admit if I’d been on a carriage full of supporters of rival English teams, the atmosphere would have been totally different.
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5 comments:
Ah, the Alpha Male on the train... A fascinating species to watch and observe - better than any soap opera - but I have to say I never really understood them. Must be something to do with testosterone levels.
Heres to Mike
I've never understood why people have to talk so loud.
It's nothing to do with testosterone, it's just the complete twat gene kicking in.
As for Mike, obviously not knowing him doesn't really give a strong position to comment from but having worked with ineffectual salesmen you really do have to get rid of them coz if you don't have the sales you don't have a business. I just hope he lands a big order.
Must admit I do like peole watching on the train. They cant get away from me!!
Bill, the point was the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I'm with the crap salesman.
Anyway as a Trade Unionist its my job to fight for the right of staff to be lousy at their job!!
My real hope was that this high octane, barrow boy, was actually selling something really mundane, like toothpicks
I'm very aware of that standpoint therefore I must also be your enemy being an unabashed capitalist.
I will fight for anyones right to party but sometimes you have to move crap people out of their positions for the benefit of the rest of your working community. Somehow it seems unfair to punish everyone else coz some lazy git can't be arsed to do their job properly
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