Manchester Tarts

Sunday 16.45 pm

I have just arrived in Manchester for our conference. The hotel (The Palace Hotel, once an Insurance Company building) is massive and posher than the usual B&B s we are used to. The room is lovely, mind you I always end up spreading my belongings all over the place!

I am still recovering from last night. Me and Vicky actually went out on a Saturday night. We spent the night at a club called Pink. It was really small so should be called a Clubette! I even managed to get on down (or up) to the dancefloor! With my special blend of swaying and shuffling. Vicky managed to pull an apparently not gay, bus driver and even got asked out by the fabulous drag queen DJ. She is becoming more like Grace from Will & ..... by the day. She is definitely a hit with the Gay community! All I got was a proposition by a neighbour of mine, who seemed oblivious to my negative body language and my rude attempts at totally ignoring him! I didn't recognise him, but he knew which house number I lived at. Very worrying all round! Still it was a great night, with the campest cheesiest music and they even played The Fizz!!

Anyway better have a bath and get ready for tonight's meeting. As a Regional Delegate I am sure there is stuff I should be doing, but at the moment I have no idea what!....

10.30 pm

Just got back from our pre conference Regional meeting. These are usually relatively dull afairs for anyone who isn't a conference bore like me. However, tonights had a surreal air. For some unknown reason, instead of the usual venue of some faceless city hotel, we were in a casino. The first problem was that many of our delegates struggled to find the casino. So I found myself stood outside the casino, asking everyone passing if they were a Unison member. I think I managed to pull in a few more customers for the casino. I felt like a siren luring unwary punters to their doom on the rocks of the roulette tables!.. or something. The second hurdle was then to actually get past reception. Due to complicated gaming rules, anyone not on the delegates list, had to become a member. To do this apparently they had to show a driving license, give a swab for DNA testing, take an immigration citizenship test, pledge allegence to Alex Fergusson and sign away donation rights to at least 3 major organs. Still everyone got in, the meeting went ok and we all stuffed ourselves on a buffet subsidised by Manchesters finest gamblers.

Tomorrow is the 1st day proper of conference. I need to start thinking about my maiden conference speech, which is due for Tuesday afternoon. I am pretty nervous about the whole thing, so in my usual fashion I will bury my head in my pillow, hoping it will all go away.